6/4/08

Hey mammaw,

I miss you. I hope heaven's all that they say. 'Cause u went thru too much hell down here just
for my sake. So many times I didn't respect you, so many times I didn't heed, all of the words and
lessons that you taught to me. But I'm doing so much better, peek down here, you'll see. I'm
making something of myself, trying to be the best that I can be. I remember you always pushing
me, driving me to excel. But I bucked against you, in fact, a couple of times I might have wished
you to hell. Now, looking back? I can see all the pain that I dealt. But though I spoke in
ignorance, your pain was heartfelt. They say to give you flowers while you can smell 'em, but it's
too late for that now. So I'mma have to settle for these words whirling thru my mind and pray that
you remember me well. It's so hard down here without you 'cause I left so many things incomplete.
I didn't think about the last time I saw you, I didn't think it would be our last meet. You sitting in a
hospital bed, laughing at the Colts. You looked so happy and healthy how was I supposed to know?
That while I was back down at school, wasting time watching TV. You were preparing for heaven,
another angel gone from me. Or was it "another angel got its wings"? Either way it doesn't
matter. 'Cause losing you and granddaddy...so close together...

I didn't cry at your funeral mammaw, but I did sing. The girls and me, did you hear us? Were
u listening? Auntie Kim was in tears, first time I had ever seen her cry. But me, I was numb, I
couldn't deal w/ all the pain locked up inside. In fact I'm still not sure if I can, even while writing
this note to you. There's so many ways I did you dirty, so many ways I hurt you. And If I ever allow
myself to come face to face with me? Man, the outcome will be ugly, a day of reckoning. There
are old wounds still in my soul; wounds that I need to allow to bleed. For they’ve become infected,
slowly killing me. So I’m writing you this letter praying that it you’ll receive. ‘Cause I’m trying to
do so much better, but I still wish that you were here with me.

Love always,
Derek